WEBVTT

[MUSIC PLAYING]

"Grack Public Access."

You're listening to "Grack Public Access" on 101.7 FM,

the Grack here in Gragelton.

I'm Todd Chesterfield, and I'm here with Parker Spoon.

Hi, Parker.

You know, I lost a lot of my energy

because the audience didn't hear we had an exchange earlier.

We did.

Not like one of those gift-giving exchanges.

It was like a verbal exchange.

Yeah.

And I am exhausted from it.

Oh, I'm sorry, Parker.

Did you want to take a little nap?

No.

Now that's insane.

Yeah, it would be, especially where we are.

I know.

So do you want to tell them?

Because this is--

Oh, yeah, I should tell them.

Yeah.

All right, so this is episode five.

And in this episode, we are here at Shane's Olive Shack.

And we are sponsored by Doreen's Olive Hollow.

So that's interesting.

And our theme for this week is gym shoes.

That was given to me by the radio station.

That's lovely.

So first of all, let's talk about--

there's so much lovely stuff to unpack here

that I'm no longer sleepy.

Oh, good.

I'm glad.

Good morning.

Good morning to you, Parker.

Good morning.

And I'm tipping my--

I'm pretending that I have a hack that's one of those--

there would be the people they'd say,

"News of the day!"

Oh, yeah.

And they'd have the little--

the cats.

Like a page boy cat.

They'd have the newspaper.

Yeah.

A new-- a newsy.

They would call--

The newsies.

That's right.

That's also a movie.

I think.

Yeah.

Pretty sure that's a new--

I wouldn't know.

I wouldn't know about that.

OK.

Sorry.

Listen, there's so much going on here.

This place is pretty--

I'm going to just--

should I paint the seascape?

Or should we--

do you want to paint the seas--

we talked about separating out who does the--

you were going to talk about it,

then I would tell you what colors.

Oh, right.

Well, why don't I paint some of the seascape

and then you can color it in.

OK.

That's what we'll try.

So let's--

I'm going to close my eyes and tell--

well, you point to me when you want me to tell the audience

the color that everything is.

Because that will be my--

OK.

For this episode.

All right.

So I'll point to you when that's ready.

Well, let's see.

Oh, gosh, the pressure.

I'm not used to painting seascapes.

Well, we're in Shane's Olive Shack.

And it's kind of decorated a little bit like a shack.

They have wood paneling on the walls.

Although it's a little bit more reminiscent of your grandfather's

basement kind of wood paneling.

And there's just pictures of pimentos all over the place.

Because Shane's Olive Shack is very pro pimento or pimiento,

depending on how you want to pronounce it.

There's stuffed pimentos on kind of just rustic benches.

Because, again, going for the shack look, it's quite crowded.

And we're sitting in the middle at a kind of a fold out Costco

table because I brought it myself.

And that's all I had.

So just to add to that--

and I'll just look at my notes in order--

green, green again, green.

Then there is a light blue, green.

Right.

And then beige.

And beige would be the last one.

Wow.

So no brown and no red.

Interesting.

Yeah.

So I would also like to say that we're

talking about the grandfather's basement.

Yeah.

And that-- yeah.

My grandfather's basement was--

it was an earthen basement.

Earthen?

Like a dugout ground?

Earthen.

Like a gopher hole?

And it was separate from the house.

Yeah.

And he never actually introduced me to it.

But I stumbled upon it.

When I-- because when I was--

back then, they used to let you go out and explore the yard

and everything.

I remember that.

And yeah.

And one day, I was walking around out out the backyard.

I went into the woods.

And I took a turbo fall.

I'm not going to lie.

And I fell down this basement.

And I remember just falling through down this tunnel.

And it seemed like for ages.

And then I finally--

I hit the bottom of the tunnel.

And now I know you're going to say that this is wild.

But I saw a rabbit at the bottom of the tunnel.

So I was going to ask you, Parker,

if either one or two things happened, thing one,

potentially, you fell into a well.

Or thing two, did you read like Alice in Wonderland

right before you went outside?

So I knew you were going to say that because this is--

you'd like to bring up stuff that is very embarrassing for me.

Right.

I guess that's-- you're a shocking person.

Oh.

Are you doing shock jock right now?

Because it seems like it would be a good time to do shock jock.

No, because I'm doing hurt jock right now.

Oh, because you're hurt because of my response.

I got it.

Yeah.

Yeah, because as I was saying it the whole time,

I said she's going to say the Lewis Carroll thing.

She's-- and I know it's Lewis Carroll

because that's--

my grandfather had that book always on his desk.

It would sometimes fall asleep reading--

sometimes fall asleep reading.

Right, like the thing that I just said.

Yeah.

So you're reading it before you went out.

Let's just walk past this.

OK, we'll just move right past this.

All right, so why don't we move on to the news we've got

this week in the Gazette.

Say hi.

Gave some-- there's someone I recognize.

Oh, yeah.

Let's say hi.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, it's a--

because this is-- I'm pretty sure that this is the--

this looks like the person that we thought was a--

remember from another--

I don't know if you remember this, but several weeks back,

we were at a funeral party.

Yeah, no, of course I remember.

It was haunted.

You owe me money for the stuff you brought.

It was haunted.

Well, that's the thing.

I don't believe it was because I think

that the person who owned the funeral

part was standing back there in the audience.

Oh, yeah.

That's Linda.

She's waving.

Yeah, she's a ghost.

I don't think she is because it looks like she's just waving

to us and she's--

Yeah, I'm alive.

I don't see any kind of translusiveness or anything

else I'm telling you.

I think the wallpaper there might have been complex.

Oh, my goodness.

Yeah, I can't see through her at all.

Everybody thinks that.

Yeah.

No.

I mean, maybe one of us should go over there

and just tap her something, ask her first.

No, I'm alive.

Tap on the shoulder and just see if the hand goes right

through the shoulder or something.

OK, I'll be right back.

OK.

Hold on a second.

OK, I'll watch.

I'm just going to take a walk.

From a distance.

Take a walk over here.

Hi.

She's not talking, but that doesn't mean anything.

Yeah, that doesn't--

Hey, look, I'm dead.

I'm tapping just fine.

Click, click, click on the shoulder.

See?

Hi.

And she's swaying.

Just look at a pat.

Parker, try saying something to her.

Try saying something.

Like, how do you do?

Do a fake tip of the hat and see if she does a fake tip

of a hat right back.

What are you doing?

Is that a greeting?

She's smiling.

Oh, it's a grimace.

There's fangs.

No, they are--

You're seeing stuff.

There's no fangs.

There's a pronounced K-19.

You know, I can hear you.

I'm right here.

I'm going to walk my way through the crowd.

There seems to be a crowd in front of us.

Yeah, well, are you going to give me that money?

Excuse me.

Isn't that why we came over here?

Yeah, listen, we decided to come here in prime time this time,

instead of coming early in the morning,

just so we could see a lot of people.

And we thought we'd be a little bit more social-bulf.

This way.

But it's a bit more of a risk coming at such a busy time,

of course.

OK.

So I'm going to be quiet now.

And it's your turn to do your thing.

All right, so let's do this week in the Gazette.

Hold for bumper.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

The Gazette.

All right, so I have some headlines from the Gackleton

Gazette.

And we'll just step through them.

This is what's happening in Gackleton.

We're just bringing you the news.

Like, public access radio probably should.

So the first headline we have is Local Man's Tomatoes

Suspiciously Ripe, Neighbor's Demand Investigation.

And that's right.

It's really early in the year for completely ripe tomatoes,

especially when this news came out a week ago.

It's-- you know, Gackleton, it takes a while for them to ripen.

And these tomatoes were already completely ripe.

Should I talk now?

Yeah, it's your turn, Parker.

OK.

Well, I love tomatoes.

And I have no more commentary with this.

Oh, OK.

That's-- no, that's completely fair.

I'm trying to be positive.

I'm trying to be positive.

Yeah, no, that's good.

And in any kind of--

you know, there's a war going on right now

between the people who say that they're--

what was the story?

People said they were ripe or something?

Yeah, they were suspiciously ripe.

Well, there's a war going on right now,

being fought in the alleys, in the tunnels,

and the-- the-- the-- the burrows, and the mines,

all around Gackleton, between these people

and the-- the tomato guy.

And I'm not going to be part of this.

So I'm going to sit back, and I'm

going to enjoy my chai latte that I'm drinking.

And, you know, thank you.

OK, good.

I'm feeling good.

And we're going to be friendly to this episode.

We're taking no sides in this harpled battle.

Yeah, well, I mean, I have to say,

I haven't really taken a side myself,

because I'm more of a potato file than a tomato file,

even though they're both nightshades and everything.

Yeah, I'm just going to leave this right here.

I pretty much-- I don't have too many opinions

when it comes to tomatoes.

And I guess I'll probably just leave it at that.

What-- why-- why are you making a listener?

Parker has taken a swig of his beverage

and is making a face.

I don't-- I don't--

I don't believe that was my beverage.

Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah, that was-- that was actually not-- that was a--

well, that was--

I shouldn't have made that face.

It was a garlic-infused olive oil.

That it seems to have--

I seem to have digested a good half cup of it.

Oh.

And, you know, it was--

I did not realize that I was--

I had-- I had this here, and we'll just have to sit

and see how I do.

Yeah.

So thank you.

Oh, well, no problem.

Yeah, you have to be careful when you're

in any of these olive spaces, because there's

a lot of olive oil around.

And Shane's is no exception to having garlic infusion.

In fact, I think it's part of the battle

between Doreen and Shane is garlic infusion based.

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

And I'll be honest with you.

And I know that--

I know that, OK, Shane's back.

Hey, you better not be just barely--

He is shaking his fist.

[LAUGHTER]

He's-- Shane is a--

he's a big fellow, isn't he?

He is a very--

yeah, very--

I mean, very large personality as well.

You're a pepper.

Yeah.

He seems like-- he's where?

I said so that I can paint a little seascape for the listener

here.

He seems to be where-- he's wearing a--

what are the things--

the things called where they put the tie around the back

of the neck, but there's also the front piece so that they

can't spill grape juice and stuff on them?

A bib?

A bib.

A bib.

He's wearing-- he's wearing a--

I think he's wearing a bib.

Right.

Yeah.

That's what you call it.

He's wearing a--

what looks like a large--

Say no baby bib.

A large bib.

And he has a--

Oh, did I?

--that thing that looks--

almost like a bonnet, which I don't understand why he's

trying to look like a--

Oh, did I?

He almost looks like-- you ever see that--

the nursery rhyme version of Little Bo Peep?

Because he also has the cane?

Yeah.

Yeah, like the sheep--

the sheep herder.

Because Little Bo Peep was a--

herded sheep.

And so--

Yeah.

--like a sheep king.

You would know sexy if it slapped you on the face.

He reminds me a little bit of Little Bo Peep, doesn't he?

Yeah.

Yeah, he-- wow, I'm not going to be

able to get that out of my eye space,

speaking of cones and rods.

Yeah.

He's like, caught a rod.

Yeah, well, that's--

I caught a rod.

He's like-- he looks like a very large burly, let's say,

version of Little Bo Peep, which is OK.

Oh, totally.

I mean, when you've named the--

I don't think that's what it's--

Sorry, sorry, Parker.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

OK.

I'm so sorry.

No.

No.

No.

OK.

OK, stop.

Stop.

We're going to--

I'm so sorry.

I am-- no, that is OK.

OK.

So we should-- so I--

when this happens, we spoke about doing our little reset.

Yeah.

OK.

So reset button, pushed.

Did the-- yeah.

It's like a virtual button, so it's like just a button

inside my head.

It's not a physical button like the bleep box.

Oh, I should move the bleep box over.

We didn't-- we didn't even need the bleep box.

We didn't even need it yet.

We are doing really good, Parker.

We are-- the way of this is that this might be our best one yet.

Yeah.

OK.

So anyway, Shane looks like--

he looks like what I imagined to be a giant, wonderful

version of himself.

Yeah.

Which I'm not sure if that's his intent to look like a fairy

tale or not, but it's wonderful.

Is little Bo Beep a fairy tale?

I thought it was real.

That's a good question.

Well, I don't--

I always thought it was a real person.

I am a little Bo Peep, so like a historical figure, perhaps.

Yeah.

From, you know, I could--

I'm not going to say no to that.

Yeah.

I always thought it was like a young person that

lived in structure.

I-- yeah.

Well, so if it is, we have to be careful.

Because Jen, when she--

when she gave me the scolding after the incident

at the funeral parlor, she said that if we ever

bring up real people, we have to be careful.

Because there's lots of--

and she's made a big deal out of this.

There's lots of crackleton people, lawyers, I guess now,

in crackleton, who she said will--

and she said they're going to sue that diaper right off yet.

And I wasn't wearing a diaper.

Sue the diaper right off yet.

I know, but that sounds like Jen.

Yeah.

That's not-- like Jen would say that.

Sounds like Jen.

I mean, because Jen's not afraid of litigation.

So she would totally be OK with saying something like that,

even if it wasn't true.

But I mean, we're afraid of litigation.

I mean, she's afraid of us doing litigious things.

But if she says the things, it's totally fine.

That's what-- that's what I--

that's the assumption I got anyways.

But I'm not very good at these things.

Yeah.

Well, move on.

We don't know about little book people or not.

We don't.

And--

Yeah.

But I'm pretty sure--

We've got nothing about that.

I'm pretty sure that little book people

is a real person in Shropshire.

No.

No, no, no.

OK.

You know what?

I'm going to--

how about this?

And I don't mean to get--

they say you're not supposed to argue on these things.

But how about if you want to keep going down this route,

then I'm going to go and make friends with--

what's his name?

Shane.

And then I will--

you-- yeah, you do your show.

And then, you know, I'm not going to say that I quit or anything.

You're going to walk off the show right now

when we've only done one news heading?

We've only done one news heading.

Is this-- OK.

Then how about this?

How about we-- we're not going to do the reset thing,

because that's silly.

Shane is beckoning me over.

OK.

I'm going to go over and see what he wants.

OK.

And then you do your news thing.

And yeah, we'll be good from there.

OK?

No more.

We'll call it a truce.

All right.

We'll call it--

OK.

We'll call it a truce, if that's what you need to do.

OK.

Trying to get through the crowd here.

Sorry.

OK.

All right.

So let's hear the second news story.

It's hardware store owner changes hours.

Entire town's schedule thrown into chaos.

Yeah.

That's right.

I really wanted a hammer, and I couldn't go get a hammer.

All right.

Moving on to number three then.

Corncake Bake Off sued for plagiarism by the Linford Town

Corncake Bake Off.

I don't know how to do this without Parker, though.

And Parker's way over there.

And it looks like Parker's drinking more olive oil

and not enjoying it.

So I'm more interested in the olive oil.

But anyways, more litigious stuff in Gragleton around the--

Oh, thank you.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, thank you.

OK.

I'm getting back.

I'm coming back.

No, no, no.

That's fine.

That's fine, Shane.

OK.

OK.

I'm back.

I'm sorry about that.

That's OK.

I got through the other two news stories.

I'm sure you did wonderful.

Shane, apparently, is a very--

he's a javial fellow.

And he gave me a bunch of free samples that I did not want.

And he's so happy that we're here.

Hey, Shane.

And I-- OK.

Can we move on and just--

We should move on.

Call it-- can we hit reset or call it to start?

Can we pretend this is the start of the show?

Let's pretend.

3, 2, 1, go.

3, 2, 1.

2, 1.

1.

OK.

We're starting.

We're restarting, but we're going to restart right at the ad

point, because we're going to go to a friend of the show,

has a thing to say about Doreen's "Olive Hollow," in fact.

And then we'll be right back after that.

Wonderful.

Wonderful.

Bye.

Bye.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

This show is brought to you by Doreen's "Olive Hollow"

in Gragleton.

Doreen does not allow pimentos or pimeantos in any of her olives.

That's right.

Doreen will stuff her olives with anything

except for those nasty, awful peppers that are not

welcome in her store.

In fact, nobody that even likes those kind of peppers

outside of a olive or inside of an olive

is welcome inside of her store.

But you can find all of stuffed with all sorts of other things,

everything from gobstoppers to garlic.

That's right, gobstoppers to garlic.

In fact, you might like her garlic stuffed olives that

are never stuffed with garlic.

In fact, Doreen says "FU" to any form of garlic,

just like she says "FU" to any pimentos or pimeantos.

So come down to Doreen's "Olive Hollow"

unless you like pimeantos or pimentos.

In that case, go to Shane's.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

We're at public access.

All right, we're back.

And you know a little bit more about Doreen's "Olive Hollow,"

which is sponsoring the show, which is today happening

at Shane's "Olive Shack," which is pretty much

Doreen's main competitor in town.

So I went back to go to the bathroom.

And I walked into--

I guess it was the storeroom.

And it is-- the room back there is a place of memory

and fancy.

You should see this place.

Wow.

It looked-- remember I said earlier when I went down--

I fell down the hole in my youth.

Down the hole.

Like you basically read Lewis Carroll before you went outside.

That's not what happened.

We're not going to get into litigation over this.

So at one point, there was a giant--

you ever see those?

They used to make them.

There were a wonderful toy from our youth.

And it looked like a caterpillar.

But when you squeezed it, the face lit up a little bit.

Oh, yeah, a glow worm.

A glow-- it was wonderful.

So back when I was--

but the best toy ever from my youth,

I loved those things.

Because you could snuggle it.

And at the same time, it would act as a night light

and it would act as--

for several years, it was my only friend.

It makes the ghosts go away.

Moving on from that, we're not going to--

Well, that's what it does.

I mean--

No, thank you.

They didn't market it that way, but that's what it does.

I still have one.

OK, so remember, this is just a note that--

Jen cut this out later on when you're cutting stuff out.

Jen's not going to listen to us.

Yes, she will.

She's-- we're back on better terms.

We're not going to talk--

we said talk.

We're not going to talk about vampires.

We're not going to talk about werewolves.

We're not going to talk about goblins.

We're not going to talk about any kind of leprechauns.

We're not going to talk about sprites.

We're not going to talk about any kind of sea monsters.

We're not going to talk about ghouls or ghosts.

We're not going to talk about spirits or poltergeists.

These are the things we don't--

So we're only going to talk about real people

like little bo peep in "Shropter."

And we're not going to talk about anything litigious.

So Jen, you can put this back in.

We're starting again.

Yeah, OK, let's start again.

Oh, we have to talk about gym shoes at some point,

because that's our theme.

And we haven't even talked about gym shoes yet.

OK, so I'm going to-- let me finish this up real quick.

Back when I fell down--

my youth, I fell down the hall and everything else.

I went through a series of misadventures involving cards,

but that's neither here nor there.

And then at some point, there was a large glow worm

that appeared to be smoking.

It looked like a large metal.

There was metal on it that had some kind of--

it looked like an herb of sorts, an incense maybe.

And he would smoke that.

And there'd be bubbles and all this crazy stuff.

It was a misadventure.

And anyway, Shane back in his room had one of those.

And he was smoking, smoking so much.

I said, you shouldn't smoke.

Your lungs will not be happy.

And he just-- he hugged me and patted me on the back.

Oh, that's really--

He still backed me down, I think.

That's quite nice.

That's quite nice.

I know what those things are.

They're really close to a word I'd have to bleep, though.

So I'm not going to say it.

OK, OK, so our next segment is a new segment on the show.

So Jen, add a new bumper.

Hold for bumper.

Hold for new bumper.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Ask us.

Ask us stuff.

Please?

Please ask us.

So this is Ask Parker and Tog.

Ask Parker and Tog.

So we got some questions to the show,

because now we're getting questions, I suppose,

to our answering machine.

Oh my goodness, OK.

I am-- well, this is great.

I'm going to sit back in my snotty shirt

and answer the questions.

All right, so I'm just going to get out my other tape player

here, and I'm just going to play what went on our answering

machine, because Jen made the tapes for that.

So here's our first question.

Our first question comes from--

I have it written down--

Rickland Pi, spelled P-Y-E.

Rickland Pi.

And the question here--

Rickland Pi.

Wonderful.

So I'll just play it here.

[BEEP]

How do you both feel about wearing hats?

Oh, that's interesting, because we were talking about hats.

But you were wearing a fictitious hat, like a not real hat.

Like a not real hat, yeah, because I don't wear it in real life.

I would never wear a hat.

Never wear it.

A million billion billion years ago.

My mom used to tell me, and she still does,

that the only thing about me that is worthwhile is my hair.

And she said that I talk about not wanting anybody

to see my face, because I am--

well, I have a fictitious say that I have a face that only

my mother could love.

Um.

[HORN HONKING]

[HORN HONKING]

Yeah, OK.

All right.

[HORN HONKING]

I-- hopefully Rickland didn't send us this question on purpose.

Yeah.

But you know what?

Your fictitious hat that you mimed at the beginning of this episode,

it looked really fantastic on you, Parker.

I wish I could wear a face hat.

You wish you could wear a fake hat?

A face hat.

A hat to cover my face.

Oh.

I see.

It's fudging horrible.

Yeah.

It's a fudging--

Oh, let me--

Fudging piece of fudge.

[BEEPING]

Fudging piece of fudge.

Yeah.

I got-- hey, there's everybody--

Hold on.

I'm so fed up at this point.

Is everybody happy to see me?

Is everybody happy?

This is me.

I am not entertained at my face.

Not really.

Just stop it.

I'm sick of it.

Why are you yelling?

I'm sorry about that.

I just-- you can bleep that whole thing out.

I'm sorry, Todd.

I didn't mean to ruin your show.

No, you didn't ruin it.

That's OK.

Um.

OK.

The people are not happy to see me either there.

We really don't care.

Yeah, I know.

I mean, they're shouting stuff.

We don't know the hell you are.

I don't know if I can pay the seascape for the audience,

but there are several people right now who were not happy to see me,

and they seem to not like me very much.

I think they just wanted to get their olives and go.

Perhaps I am making a--

making a mountain out of a hole in my-- the yard.

So thank you.

Yeah.

We'll continue.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was just a puddle.

Um, I only wear top hats.

Question two.

Would you ever sample something out of one of the bins at bulk bins?

Say if Dan wasn't looking at that particular time

and you wouldn't get caught?

And this was sent in by Anonymous, not on our answering machine.

This was a letter that was sent in, which is a good question.

I've thought about it all the time.

I think about it every time I go into bulk bins.

I mean, I'm the biggest fan, I think, of bulk bins is me, Tog.

The second you walk inside, well, first of all, you're Tog, not me.

Yeah, I'm Tog.

Yeah, I'm Tog.

Yeah.

Yeah, but you called me Tog just then.

No, I didn't.

Yeah, well, play back the tape.

Okay, play back the tape.

Okay.

Yeah.

I didn't call you Tog.

I called me Tog because I'm Tog.

Jen, the producer here and it sounds like we're doing...

No replay.

I'm the biggest fan, I think, of bulk bins is me, Tog.

All right, sorry there, Parker Buddy.

It was pretty clear that Tog was referring to themselves.

Let's listen to it one more time.

It's me, Tog.

All right, there you have it.

Parker was wrong.

The second you walk into bulk bins, Tog, is that you?

Yeah, that's me.

Your eyes light up like what kind of salt lights, salt lamps?

Yeah.

That's, you know that?

Yeah.

They're like...

They're like orange though.

You're saying that my eyes light up like orange lights?

I mean, that sounds like a bit...

We're not supposed to talk about vampires or specters or anything on this show.

But that's making me sound a lot like a specter.

Do you remember when Confession Time, okay, I don't know if there's confession music here.

Maybe Jen will add some...

Jen, can you put in confession music?

I think Jen might add some...

Yeah.

Okay.

When you first had me move in as a roommate, remember I was cooking a lot with the garlic

and everything?

Yeah.

Because I was convinced for the first 48 to 72 hours that you were a vampire.

Oh, that makes a lot of sense.

And I tried to put that cook hat on you and you swatted away and started crying and ran

to your room and slammed the door.

And I was like, why...

It's like a cooking hat makes sense with somebody who does so much cooking.

I thought it was a funeral garb that you had put on me.

Right.

We were trying to.

You wouldn't let me get anywhere close to you.

Yeah.

Would not let you.

I was not going to.

There's one thing that I learned from my mom.

It was if anybody tries to practice anything, a cult on you had been the opposite direction.

Yeah.

Go to the kitchen and cook with garlic.

And so that's what you did.

That's what I did.

And here we are.

And here we are.

Best friends now.

My eyes light up like orange specter eyes when I go into bulk bins and I look at those

wonderful, wonderful bins.

And, you know, I have to say question two triggers a lot for me because I really, really want

to sample something out of the bins every time I go in there.

I actually want to open every single bin and sample one thing out and see how fresh it

is because it's always so fresh.

And I never do that.

I never do that.

I would never do that to bulk bins.

It has a sign right on the door that says do not sample anything or we will slam the top

of the bin down on your fingers.

Don't test us.

We actually will do that.

And I know that Dan will.

Dan who owns bulk bins.

I don't know if we're allowed to say this, but Dan's not a good person.

What?

As far as I can account.

What?

You got to do this like shock jock because this is a very shocking opinion to me.

Dan's not a good person.

How could you say something like that on this show?

Oh, well, okay.

I thought I was just trying to -- I'm joking.

I was trying to get your goat.

You got my goat.

Good.

Okay.

Dan is one of the most --

Okay.

-- people there is to open such an establishment within Gragleton where you could go get things

and bulk which are a really good price.

Tog, Tog.

Yeah, I was just -- I knew how much that you liked Dan.

And I thought that I'd get you to do good radio because you've not been doing so good this show.

And so I thought that I would try to get a rise out of you.

Hold on.

Do you see what's happening over there?

I have to wipe off my face on the inside of my shirt for a second.

I can't see anything.

And I've got a lot of snob coming out of my nose right now.

And it's very embarrassing especially since I'm in the middle of an eating establishment.

And like I said, the phlegm doesn't go good with olives at all.

And actually it's two very contrasting textures that don't go together.

Actually just the thought of an olive with phlegm together in your mouth squatching together, it makes me --

[coughing]

Can we talk down if possible behind the counter because --

Because Doreen is approaching.

[coughing]

What kind of honk was that? That was crazy.

I think I'm better now.

Oh my goodness.

Sorry.

Do we want to move this outside real quick? Can we get the set up and move outside?

Yeah, let's move outside.

Okay, hold on.

Alright, let's collect all this stuff.

Okay, how about we just -- do you want to just grab one end of the table and I'll grab my end of the table.

And then we'll just carry the whole table out.

Do you want to try doing that?

Bye guys.

Bye.

We're going now.

Bye.

Love you.

Love you.

Okay.

I like seeing Bob.

I think she's going to like the place of Sunder.

I think she's going to like the place of Sunder.

Oh, you think that's what's happening?

Yeah.

I don't want to -- I thought it was --

I don't want any parts of this.

That's not olive oil then.

That's not olive oil.

I don't believe it is.

I believe it might be some kind of whale oil or something that'll light a Sunder.

Oh, you got the good one.

Look at Shane's putting some of it in his hair to go -- he thinks it's olive oil,

but it's not olive oil.

Oh, gosh.

Oh, boy.

We should get out of here.

Let's keep moving the table.

We're outside now.

Everybody, we're in front of the parking lot, and we're going to finish the segment,

ask Parker and Tog with question three.

The question three is, oh, it's one for me to play on a cassette tape.

So this is a question from Barbara Ann.

Barbara Ann, I'm just going to play it.

Would you blame your dog?

And that's it.

That's -- I guess that's the whole message that was left, was just, would you blame your dog?

I don't think that dogs have any kind of capacity for badness.

So there was a movie that, you know, the movie I'm talking about, where they -- no dogs,

they all go to heaven.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, so no.

Yeah, you wouldn't blame a dog.

No, that's stupid.

That's stupid.

Well, I don't think that dogs feel shame.

So I wouldn't blame a dog because I don't think dogs feel shame, and that you should only blame

someone if they feel deep, deep, deep, unrelenting shame in the cornerstones of their heart.

Okay.

So there's -- I think that there's a lot of implications that are --

And that would be how you should feel about saying such things about Dan from Bulk Bins.

Tog, listen, we're going to get through -- this is what we're going to do.

Yeah.

We're going to get through the -- we're going to get through the broadcast.

Yeah.

And then you and I, we're going to go.

We're going to get some beautiful baked goods together.

Right.

Yeah.

And we're going to talk this out.

All right.

And you'll see that I was just being -- I was being a silly goose.

Okay.

That sounds good, but because there's baked goods involved, and I like silly geese, just

like little bo peep from Shropshire probably does as well.

Okay.

So I'm going to just -- we'll go to Add, and then we'll come back.

We'll do our final segment, and then we get to end the show and go get the baked goods.

Yeah.

Oh, my gosh.

Okay.

Wonderful.

Go.

Okay.

Bye.

[ Music ]

>> Black public access.

All right.

We're back.

We're back at Outside Shanes, all the shack.

And our sponsor this week is Doreen's Olive Hollow, and our theme is gym shoes, which we've

done some running this week.

This show we've done running.

That's all I have.

I feel like we checked the theme, but there is just as --

Yeah.

So I'll quickly do the weather.

[ Music ]

Today's weather is brought to you by Doreen's Olive Hollow.

We stuff hollow things with stuff.

Get stuffed at Doreen's.

This is our new tagline.

Okay.

[ Music ]

If possible, could I do the weather forecast if that's all right?

Of course, Parker.

Go for it.

Okay.

Here we go.

Today's weather is, um -- well, suspect.

What does that mean?

Parker, I think that says sunny.

Jen's writing is really bad.

[ Music ]

And that's the weather brought to you by Doreen's Olive Hollow.

We heard you're going to do a show at Shanes, and we are going to sponsor that damn show.

That's what I say, and I'm Doreen.

Well, she did.

[ Music ]

Okay, we're back.

So, you know what?

I'm going to go.

Well, if you could just speak to our demo person, because we've got a demo scheduled for next,

I'm just going to run inside.

I'm going to just run inside into Shanes' Olive Shack and see what's going on.

And you're going to talk -- what I have down here on the Post-It.

You're going to have fun with this with Jen, who has a demo for Doreen's Olive Hollow.

What?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

There she comes.

Oh, there she is.

Okay, I'm going to just run inside.

I'm just going to run inside.

Now, Todd, Duncan.

Yeah, no.

Be safe.

All right.

Oh, my God.

Hey, Parker.

How you doing?

How you doing there, buddy?

Hi, Jen.

Jen, you missed a horrible, horrific experience.

The entire thing was horrible.

Yeah.

I -- there were people who were -- we thought were poltergeist, that word.

And there was, you know, there was lots of accusations flying around about Lewis Carroll

and about Lil Bo Peep.

Right.

And there was a whole showing with the smoke.

Okay.

And he was parading around and pure what happened.

And then there was --

Hey, Parker, what?

What?

No, wait.

Yeah, no, it was --

Parker, I was just going to tell you, hey, buddy, I'm not your mom.

You don't -- I was just going to -- I was just looking for a fine.

However, you just mentioned -- and I do need some more details on that.

No, thank you.

Okay.

I mean, I have more questions about that, but that probably will be a long story, too,

imagine.

Okay.

All right.

No, let's just -- we're not going to go through.

No.

Okay, well, let me just get set up here.

So, I'm here on behalf of Doreen's Olive Hollow to give a demo of how Doreen makes a particular

fancy dish at the Olive Hollow that's called Doreen's FU to the Pimiento, or Doreen's FU

to the Pimento, depending on how you pronounce it.

Okay.

Yeah.

No.

I'm not doing this.

There's been too much dirtiness on this show already and too much horrible fill.

Well, I actually said it the clean way.

I said FU, not FU.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

I mean, that's what Doreen calls it in the shop is Doreen's FU to the Pimento, or Pimento.

No, no, okay.

We got us -- okay.

First of all, your demo, you have little baggies of everything in front of you.

Yes.

I think this does not look professional.

Why did you do that?

they are they are ziplock baggies but it's full of garlic pretty much each one so if there are

any vampires around here you don't need to worry because there is so much garlic in these bags

I mean it was tough to drive over here let me say uh so I mean it's like garlic wrapped and

garlic wrapped and garlic wrapped and garlic wrapped and garlic wrapped and garlic garlic acids

okay this is gonna sound a while um but this may

not be a bad idea um so uh I don't I hate to betray somebody that I love

but I'm pretty sure that talks a vampire oh the orange eye thing

yeah yeah right 90 yeah right isn't that weird the orange the the okay god I feel like we're

bonding over this yeah um so like uh talk talk they just they ran into the building right and it was

like they had some kind of uh shimmer about that oh yeah it's super weird yeah like I can't even figure

out a pattern though for like exactly how it works because I've seen it with uh coming over to drop

off cassettes and stuff like which I kind of thought it might have been like when Tog is really

into something like the bulk bins and like that's where I've seen it and and with like maybe some

kind of weird attraction but then coming over to the crack dropping off tapes definitely no

attraction there and yet a little bit of glowing I mean what gives one time um when they were vacuuming

in the apartment um uh their shadow I think their shadow moved different than their arm you've

seen the movie how that they they're sitting there but then the shadow makes like a mischievous move

yeah um but I think that's from the disco ball anyway I think that's from the disco ball well

they're in fairness there's lots of different angles of like yeah um yeah I'm pretty sure that's

just the disco ball on that one so fair fair point I'm I guess I'm just trying I'm I am right now

trying to make arguments to prove a hypothesis right and um no you're scientific no I get it I

get it you're scientific this is wonderful this has been nice so should I do something with this

garlic crap yeah I think I should do something with the garlic crap uh right so Doreen's f*ck you

to the pimento uh it's just okay yeah oh boy keep it just get can you go and not say that again

I mean remember we bond it so I mean you should be kind of a little bit more on board

with it it's just the name yeah it's just the name um all right so the one thing that Doreen

wanted to say is f*ck you to Jarlik god right like god in heaven I'm so sorry god in heaven no no Jarlik

anywhere in sight this is all garlic that is being like basically ripped out of the ground and pulverized

with Doreen's great big mitts that's what she calls her hands and she just pulverizes it she sips on it

she warms it up sometimes before she pulverizes it she says that's an important part of the

process and she basically just layers garlic garlic garlic garlic on top of it uh dumps a whole

bunch of olives and a great big thing of like basically garlic oil which is no oil like there's

no olive oil it's just oiled garlic like apparently you can squeeze oil out of a garlic and she does

that and uh that's basically it uh she then gems a whole bunch of garlic on the inside of this uh

and then she sprinkles a whole bunch of garlic powder on top uh she basically takes every different

way you can prepare garlic uh jams it on this olive uh which i'm just doing right here with my

hands i'm not putting it under my butt so i figure that part's already being done till i like warm it

up so i'm not gonna do that or you're crying what's going on i feel like i feel like i feel like

i have the trait talk yeah i mean we probably did a little bit of that together you and me

i i've i've told their dark secret what's dark the shimmery thing that's a secret i mean i've

been telling everyone so okay um let's let's just um let's let our uh let's let our um our um let's

let our um let's let our bloodthirsty friend uh yeah come back because oh the hypothesis of the whole

vampire thing i got it yeah the shimmery thing's not a secret uh no one's heard about that

the the shadow dancing thing but i think that's just a disco ball um yeah you kind of betrayed talk

okay you pretty much betrayed because i'm not gonna cut any of this out wait we're not yeah you are uh

i am going to uh listen nobody comes between me and my friends do you understand that uh do you

understand that jindahan yeah uh nobody comes between me and my friends okay no i if this this is

okay yeah well i had a lot of oil today and i feel like it's revved me up like a hot rod yeah no i i see

oh my goodness gracious okay well look i sound oh i see i see talk over there right now so uh i'm

just gonna wrap up i'm gonna grab my my thing that i think that was probably sufficient turning

over okay i'm on my i'm on my way out all right see you later buddy i'll just actually i'm gonna wait

over there for the tapes because you guys should probably almost be done i'm sorry i hope i didn't

hurt your feelings with the hot rod oh no no somebody of your stature absolutely can't hurt my

feelings okay okay uh well okay bye wow okay yeah i think she's my friend yeah um i just uh i just

got back here she's just standing over there watching us i guess waiting for the tapes yeah

yeah okay great all right you know we saw a uh demo with uh different types of uh uh uh garlic

yeah it still smells like garlic around here yeah it does doesn't it why are you looking at me like

that okay um let's end the program yeah we should end the program uh so the demo's over we're pretty

much done now so we can just uh wrap it up and then give the tapes to Jen she's tapping her watch so

i want to get out of here yeah okay and then um i don't know why you're looking at me like that parker

nope nope no when we walk to the bakery we're gonna take a little detour um there's a uh

you know st gabriel's church is on the way so uh we're gonna walk through the shadow of that because

you know that's that'll be good for us okay i don't i don't know what that means okay wonderful okay

um so this has been our program and uh oh my gosh i'm just taking your part yeah yeah no that's okay

okay okay bye everybody bye everybody

you have been listening to crack public access a stereo forest production

this episode was created directed edited produced and talk chesterfield was improvised by jen de

hawn parker spoon was improvised by adam additional voices and writing by jen de hawn you can find our

shows transcripts and sign up for a free newsletter to get notified of everything we release at

stereo forest dot com

you

you

[BLANK_AUDIO]