Grackleton Community Centre

WEBVTT

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You're listening to "Grack Public Access" here on 101.7 FM,

the "Grack" in Grackleton.

I'm Tog Chesterfield, and I'm here with two co-hosts today.

We have Parker Spoon.

Hi, Parker.

Hello.

And as the wonderful voice of yesterday used to say,

his name was Ed McMahon, and he used to say "Heyo."

So I'll give you a "Heyo."

"Heyo."

"Heyo," I like that a lot.

And we also have our new host that

was brought to the show because--

well, Jen told us-- because of the sponsors.

And that was it.

That was the end of the details.

Is Maureen Faucet-Clooder?

Hi, Maureen.

Hi there, guys.

Well, I would like to be the first one of--

you know that thing, how in the Wizard of Oz,

they had the people who welcomed everybody,

and they did dances for Dorothy.

And one of them were they--

so I got you a lollipop.

Because they had the lollipop killed.

So I'm going to be--

I'm the lollipop man in this episode.

Thank you.

I love that, Parker.

I'm confused.

Are you the lollipop, or are you giving me a lollipop?

No, no, no.

You're giving me your presence as a lollipop.

Oh, it's a real lollipop.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, it is.

It's a wonderful, swirly--

this was a--

I had to--

I scraped up some loose change for this.

This was-- it was more than a dollar.

It was several dollars.

Wow, I can't believe you went all out over a dollar

on me, Maureen Faucet-Clooder.

Well, thank you very much, Parker.

I'm glad to be here.

I'm glad I hope the listeners don't mind that I've

infiltrated,

I guess, the show of yours.

I was going to call it a little show,

but it's not a little show.

I mean, a lot of people in Gragleton listen to it.

So--

Yeah, oh, good.

So do you know this for people who listen--

people actually listen to what we have to say about that?

Oh, absolutely.

I'm all over the town talking to people all the time,

and they talk about it.

They talk about both of you.

Oh, actually, I should say--

I should tell people where we are.

I haven't even told people where we are yet.

Yes, please.

Oh, sorry, Todd.

Oh, no, no, it's no problem.

We've got a new guest.

Well, no, a new host, rather.

It feels like a guest, but she's not a guest.

Let's say host on trial.

Host on trial.

That's a good thing.

I don't really know why--

because of the sponsors means.

And no offense, Maureen, but this is a very--

Todd and I have what they call movie magic when we do this.

Oh, I can see the magic right here happen in Beforma.

I'm just happy to be here no matter why.

So-- sorry, Todd.

You were just about to say where we are, I guess.

Yeah, so we're at the Gragleton Community Center.

And we have a sponsor today.

And the sponsor, I haven't written down right here,

is the Litigious Lawyer Society.

That's right, the Litigious--

Sue, the diaper's right off you.

And our theme for today is "Ocra."

"Ocra."

"Ocra."

Now, let's unpack these one by one as we often do.

First of all, I would like to not say anything that could,

in any way, be litigious to anybody.

So I guess that from a sponsorship perspective,

that's a wonderful thing because we--

I personally love everybody.

So that's one.

And "Ocra," I'm going to just say it out loud.

It might be the one thing that I don't love.

Really?

That's interesting.

You like so many foods, Parker.

So why don't you love "Ocra?"

Because one time, I never had "Ocra,"

but somebody once told me it was slimy.

And that always freaked me out because when I was a

youngster,

I used to imagine-- you ever see that movie

where it's called "Ghostbusters?"

Yeah, I've seen that one.

Yeah.

So there's a character in there and his name's Slimy.

And he would go and whatever the Ghostbusters would be,

they'd be sitting around at home drinking coffee

or eating cereal or whatever.

And Slimy would be-- I guess he lived next door to them or

something.

But he would always come in and he would always have this

grand entrance

and he would eat their cereal without asking.

And he was a rascal and I never liked him.

And so I don't want--

Yeah, well, you know what, "Ocra," that--

Slimy makes sense to me because I've always heard

and I've actually tasted "Ocra," they're right.

It kind of-- it reminds me of mucus and that's what people

usually say.

But yeah, it's like eating a whole bowl of snot.

Snot isn't exact.

Do you know why we're here in the lobby and not someplace

better in the community center?

I mean, they've put us right by the bell that they ring for

the corn cake bake-off

when it has a tie, they keep-- they ring it for every tie.

It's a wonderful-- I'm not to be the contrarian here, but I

am--

I love wonderful traditions and beautiful things like

bells.

And whenever they ring the bell-- and I know it's because

they ring it to honor the ties in the bake-off--

Yeah.

But whenever I ring the bell, I imagine that perhaps

somebody found like a really good fitting pair of shoes.

Or something nice like that.

And in my mind, I'm just imagining somebody because, you

know, a lot of shoes that don't fit right,

they can give you blisters on your heel and that's the worst.

Right.

Yeah.

So--

Oh, it's an awful feeling.

Yeah.

I'm okay with the bell.

Yeah, well, I'm okay with it, but I thought you two that--

because you're doing a show and you've got your cassette

tapes.

I mean, that's weird, but you got your cassette tapes right

here on the table.

I mean, we're within like three feet of this-- the giant--

the bell.

I mean, this is not a good place to do a radio show.

I'm going to let Tog answer that because I have nothing to do.

I-- you know, this morning I showed up and I had my bowl-- my

wonderful bowl of shredded wheat.

And then Tog told me we were doing a show and made me come here.

Yeah.

Well, they put us here.

They-- I didn't really have a choice.

They just said, here, drag your table over by the lobby and

just kind of extend the-- extend the check-in desk.

And they told-- they pointed by the bell.

So why don't I go ask and see if we can move someplace quieter?

Okay.

That might be better.

Thank you.

Maureen, you're right.

Can you-- you need to just do the community-- community

part of the show?

No.

Yeah.

Yeah, no.

Parker, you can do it.

Can we talk--

No, Tog.

Yeah, Tog.

Oh, I'm going to go talk-- I'm going to go talk to the manager

and see if we can maybe move to one of the rooms instead of

being underneath the bell.

I think Maureen's right on this one, Parker.

Oh, okay.

I should have done this before we started recording, but I

can--

You do me a favor.

Okay.

When you're out there.

Sometimes in the library administrative society

offices, I don't know what that is, but there might not even

be that.

I just-- it's a room with a lot of books.

Right.

They sometimes have a bowl of pasta salad that has

pepperoni in it.

Oh, oh, that sounds good.

Yeah.

Can you get me some of that, please?

Sure.

Yeah, I'll look for it.

It's okay.

I'll try to get you some.

It sits out because it's just, you know, it's just--

Well, I think your stomach's used to it.

I mean, your stomach's been through so much just while

we've been recording here, so I think you'll be fine even if

it's gone off a little bit.

Can you come back soon?

Okay, yeah, I will.

You'll be fine with Maureen here.

Okay.

So just do the community connections.

Okay, I'll be back.

Bye.

Bye there, Todd.

All right, so we got-- we got-- what, Packer?

Packer, already?

Yeah, you're gonna do fine.

You're gonna do fine.

We got this.

We got the notes and the cassette tapes.

It says community on the top of this piece of paper.

That's, I guess, what we're supposed to do.

Okay, so just before we do that, let me paint a quick

seascape. This is something you might not be familiar

with, where we paint a wonderful seascape of-- it's the

audience's very much favorite part of the show.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Although--

We're nowhere near the sea.

I mean, I get that's the Graccleton thing or whatever.

They like the ocean analogies or metaphors or whatever.

Yeah.

Okay, seascape.

Yeah.

On board.

I'm gonna paint a quick seascape of the most vicious,

horrible email addresses that send me stuff.

They have never insulted me directly over the seascape,

because in my mind, these people who send me these awful

messages, the other day, I opened up my email and somebody

had made a-- what appeared to be a claymation figure of me.

And they put it into a microwave and they put the microwave

on high and then it melted.

And then they spread the claymation figure of me onto a

piece of bread.

And they-- you only saw the bottom part of their face,

because there were cowards and hiding their face.

But then they ate the bread and then I was all over their face

and they had that thing where they have stubble, but it's

kind of-- it's not like good-looking stuff.

It's like, you know, a movie star wouldn't have that kind of

stubble.

Okay, so we're not dealing with a movie star eating a

claymation parker.

Yeah, they licked their lips and it was disgusting.

And I sat there--

What does it look like?

I mean, claymation in a microwave, you said.

They melted it.

I mean, that sounds fascinating.

Can you say-- does-- I presume this is a video.

They sent you a link to a video.

Can you send me that link?

I want to see.

I don't want to continue the hurt basket enough.

Right, right, right.

There's so many different types of baskets and the bunny

basket has won up joy and the hurt basket is just-- well, you

know, moving on--

Okay, so we're moving on to this community thing.

It says community.

[music]

"Grat Connect."

[music]

"I have advice."

[music]

"Happy birthday."

[music]

"Where are you?"

[music]

This first one here, do you want me to read it, Parker, or do

you read these things?

No, I don't-- I'm not allowed to read this.

That's my understanding of the situation.

You're not allowed to read it.

I don't want to read it if I'm not allowed if we get into

trouble or something like that.

Where's Tog?

Tog?

Tog's still gone.

Tog?

So, all right, so I'm going to-- I'll look.

I'll just read it and we'll let the chips fall where they may.

Okay.

"I have advice coming in from Lucinda Bratt."

Oh, hi, Lucinda.

"This advice says to avoid using sour cream in your corn

cake recipes."

Sour cream is-- that's good in a corn-- this sounds like

Lucinda wants to screw over people

going into the corn cake bakeoff.

That's what it sounds like to me, Parker.

First of all, you're breaking our number one rule of the

show.

You're saying some comments that could be what I would

consider litigious.

Litigious, yeah.

Yeah.

But that's our sponsor for today, so we should be okay, I

think.

You know, if you want to bend to the sponsors already,

Marine, then that is okay.

Well, I know what I'm supposed to do.

Am I supposed to bend to them or am I supposed to like hold

them up?

I don't even know.

It just says that I'm here for this deal with the sponsors or

something like that.

I don't know.

You might as well make a deal with Willy Wonka.

Remember at the end of the thing, he went back-- it's like

there was a deal and he

said, "You, sir, I get out of here, you."

And then he blasted the person off in a spaceship or

something and hit the moon, I think.

Oh, well, I have to believe you because I've never seen that

movie.

I've heard a lot about it, but I've never seen it.

It was one of the most mean-spirited things I ever saw and I

never want to see it again.

Thank you.

Okay.

Okay, so we got to be nice.

Even if this advice is to screw other people over, we got to

be nice about the advice.

Hi, Joanna.

I think Joanna is over there.

Oh, yeah.

Joanna, that's one of Dawn's clients.

That's one of Dawn's clients at the Business Insurance

Agency.

Wonderful.

Joanna is-- Hi, Joanna.

Hey, Joanna.

I'll tell Dawn I saw you.

She wants to be on the air.

Yeah.

Oh.

Yeah, no, I can say-- oh, she loves that.

Look at the wave.

Oh, yeah, she's got that nice wave.

Yeah, hey.

Yeah, I always try to mimic other people's waves to match

their waves.

That actually is apparently a sociological thing that

you're supposed to do.

You match somebody's wave, it makes them feel welcome.

Oh, well, welcome everybody.

Parker, Parker, Parker, show me your wave.

Show me your wave.

I'll try to match it.

OK, if you can, don't look at my face while I do it because,

you know, obviously you can see why.

Yeah, I can see your face.

Your face looks fine, Parker.

You look great.

You look great.

You got a-- I would say a face for TV, not a face for radio,

even though you're on radio.

You got a face for TV, Parker.

You know, you don't have to lie to me just because, you know,

I look like a dog vomit mushroom.

Oh, you don't.

See, Parker, Parker--

That's in the rowing.

Parker, you see, I never lie around the presence of a

cassette tape.

I had to learn that in the '70s.

So the cassette tapes are right here.

We're being recorded and we're being sponsored by the

Litigious Society.

So I don't lie in the presence of-- your face is good.

Yeah.

I mean, we'll agree to disagree.

OK.

I put my face, a picture of my face into one of those

artificial intelligence image recognition things.

You ever see that where you can-- I don't know what it was.

To be honest, there was a page and it looked like it was

And there were a lot of animated gifts and balloons, but it

said artificial intelligence.

And I up-knew the picture of my face.

Yeah.

And it said-- it just-- it said-- I don't know why it said

this, but it said, "You look like an order of Mugu Gaipan."

And I didn't like that.

I love Mugu Gaipan.

It's one of my favorite dishes.

But I didn't want to be Mugu Gaipan.

No, that's very specific, too.

Yeah.

That's very specific.

I don't really see that in you, Parker.

Thank you.

I don't see Mugu Gaipan in you.

I just don't.

I appreciate it.

I also-- so, you know, this was-- the funny part was I was

doing all this while I was also ordering Chinese food.

Wow.

So I had two windows open at the same time.

Well, you know what I did, Parker, once?

Oh, it is great to multitask.

That's what I have to do when I'm selling insurance.

But let's just say-- I have to say I had this experience.

You know when they do the related similar-- images that

look similar to this?

I put my picture in just to see, like, what I look similar to.

It wasn't Mugu Gaipan.

It was Rod Stewart.

Oh, my goodness sakes.

Oh, my goodness.

Yeah.

Look at you.

I like that.

I thought that was pretty good.

You look like him himself.

What do they--

I kind of do, don't I?

Yeah, they used to call him-- what do they call him?

The Dancing Baron or something?

Yeah, I don't even know.

I haven't even listened to any Rod Stewart's music.

Oh, he was amazing.

You know, but I saw the picture and I'm like, yeah, you're

right.

Yeah, he could-- that man with one-- he-- they-- he would

walk out on stage.

Yeah.

Because I saw a video of this one time.

And with one stare, you had to be careful because he would

look in your direction.

Uh-huh.

And wherever he looked, a row of people would faint.

Really?

It would be--

Well, no one's fainted around me.

Yeah.

I mean, that's-- I don't even know now if I should believe

this related image or a similar image search thing.

He would make patterns of the audience from his faint eyes

sometimes.

Faint eyes.

Yeah.

And that would be OK because I think they had like some kind

of cushions there for one of the people.

They liked to faint.

It wasn't a mean thing.

Oh, yeah.

Now, fainting would be fun if it was the right person to, you

know, faint from.

Yeah.

I mean, I wouldn't want to faint around like if it was like

a-- I don't know, some sort of killer or murderer that

wanted to murder me.

And then they had the faint eyes and then he fainted and then

he could get murdered dead.

No, we're not talking about anything.

Yeah, you could.

No, but we're not--

This is a practical-- this is a practical discussion right

now, Parker.

So do you want to move on to the next community thing?

Yeah, let's move on.

OK, this is number two.

It says number two next to it.

It says, "It is the 32nd anniversary of the submarine in

Lake Corncrop getting stuck in the West Shore Lagoon."

Oh, 32 years.

Wow, I remember that.

"There will be a celebratory volleyball tournament near

the lagoon this Saturday."

Oh, that sounds fun.

Yeah, that's wonderful.

That sounds fun.

That's amazing.

Yeah.

I went into the lagoon and I've had some wonderful

experiences there with-- they-- you know, Todd gave me a

talking to and said that the geese were not my friends.

But--

Oh, yeah, those geese are nobody's friends.

No, they were wonderful to me.

Those geese, they were-- wait, what?

Sorry, they were wonderful to you, those geese at Lake

Corncrop?

They had carried me away at one point.

Oh, yeah, that's what they do.

Yeah, but they took me into-- I don't know what it was.

And I woke up.

I woke up and it was one-- there was a goose with a bonnet

around her head and a rocking chair.

Oh, like mother goose.

You're talking about mother goose?

No, this was not-- this was very different than that.

Oh.

But then I woke up again and I was in the hospital.

Oh, yeah, that checks out.

Several wakes in a row.

Let's put it that way.

Yeah, I mean, those geese, those geese, they have their way

with you.

You have to be careful with them because they have the faint

eyes.

They have the faint eyes, you faint, and then they have your

way with you.

And I mean, it's uncomfortable to say the least.

You want to move on to number three?

Ooh, no, not a second here.

What's going on?

I'm going to get into whimsy here because whimsy is

something that the audience likes.

There happens to be a bowl that I can see four feet away from

me.

Oh.

Now, it is on the desk of, we're going to pretend that Lisa's

a scoundrel, OK?

OK.

Yeah, I'm-- Lisa kind of is a scoundrel.

No, don't you say that.

I know we're not.

We're playing pretend.

Oh, that's right.

All right, we're playing pretend.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're going to pretend that the-- so anyway, there's

a big bowl of those mints

that are like green and pink and white, and they look like

puffballs.

Oh, I love those things.

Oh, they're amazing.

They melt in your mouth.

Oh, look, we said common ground.

Oh, yeah, yeah, they're called butter mints, I think.

And some of the--

Butter mints, yeah, they're called butter mints, I think.

Yeah, it's like, I'd like to-- I put them-- you could put

them in butter.

That's what that means, I think.

Oh, well, you could.

I just put them right in my mouth.

I take a great big handful and just jam them right in my mouth.

I always put a little bowl of these things on my work desk for

clients that come in.

I am going to, if it's OK with you, and even if it's not,

because I'm feeling naughty right now.

Oh, boy, oh, that's fun.

See, I like this.

This is interesting.

I'm going to show you my stealth moves.

OK.

I'm going to go over there.

All right.

I'm going to sneak around.

This is my game plan, ladies and gentlemen.

OK.

All right.

I'm going to talk right into the microphone.

Oh, it's like a little ASMR thing.

I like it.

I'm going to sneak around Lisa May's desk.

All right.

And I'm going to steal the entire bowl of butyl mints, and I

am going to eat them all.

Oh, wow.

OK.

My mouth.

All right.

No, I got you.

I got you.

Hold on.

You can--

OK, I got you.

You do this story, and I'm going to be doing my stealth

moves, because I've been practicing

the stealth moves.

Sure, sure.

Yeah, no, that's great.

That's great.

No, I got you.

I'll do this other one right here.

I'll do that.

I'll do that.

All right.

OK.

So Parker Parker's being all stealthy.

Parker's going over there.

I'm going to read the last one here.

It's a misconnection.

That's what it says on the piece of paper.

It says, oh, so Carl Ballet sent in this misconnection.

It says, I went on a hike in and around the haunted mines with

the Outer Graque hiking

brigade.

Oh, yeah, those guys.

And we started off with Barty Bundle in the group.

I'm Barty that hosts municipal water quality report redo,

radio show.

But Barty wasn't there when we got back to the parking lot.

We're looking for Barty.

If you're out there, give me a call.

Oh, wow.

Oh, that's not good at all.

Barty's missing.

You got Parker's over there doing kind of these sneaky

moves.

Parker's got to look on his face.

He's not going to like this news.

OK.

Parker's saying be quiet.

She caught me and I am right now in words of the immortal Bond

Jovi.

I am wanted, dead or alive.

She is very upset and she's looking with eyes of.

Remember how that man Ron Stewart had the eyes that make

people faint?

Yeah, yeah.

Faint eyes.

Yes.

Yeah.

These eyes are like eyes that make people turn into like,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

They make them die.

Oh, they make them.

Yeah.

You make them die.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like where do you dead?

No, I got it.

I'm kind of like probably the eyes of the murder that I

talked about before.

Parker, you told me not to talk about this stuff and then you

brought it up.

Parker, guess what?

Barty Bundle's gone.

That's what I had to read when you weren't here.

Barty Bundle is missing from the haunted mines.

Wait, what?

What?

Not say I cannot.

No, no, I am not going to save him if that's what you're

asking because I can't.

Oh, no, I'm not asking that.

Oh.

I'm not asking that, Parker.

Don't take it up to us to go find him.

Look out for Barty, please.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a haunted wonderful horrible mines with lots of--

Oh, I think horrible is more-- it was a wonderfully

horrible.

Yeah, yeah, because you're going to wonder at how horrible

they are.

I thought the reason I said it.

Yeah.

Have you ever been in there, Parker?

No.

Into the mines.

No, no, no.

Okay, I am-- you know what?

You brought up very bad.

The seascape in my eyes right now is one of a horrible stormy

sea.

And I'm going to-- I know you can do your stuff for a while,

but I'm going to punish

you and leave for five minutes and go into the-- where's the

pasta salad?

It's the punishment, the leaving part of it.

That's the punishment that I'm getting?

I'm just checking.

Okay.

Parker's gone.

I'm going to go to ads.

I know that there's ads in these things.

I'm going to go to roll ads.

I think it's from the litigious lawyer thing.

And then we'll be back.

So I don't know how this works, but we'll be back.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hello, this is Jen deHaan for this week's sponsor of Grack

Public Access, which is the Litigious

Lawyer Society of Grackleton, where we'll sue the diapers

right off you.

Fence too tall, we'll sue the diapers right off you.

Vehicle length too lengthy and parked too long in the front

part of your driveway, we'll

sue the diapers right off you.

Play-in law and order with the windows open at a high rate of

volume after 11 p.m. on

a weekday, we'll sue the diapers right off you.

So if you have a complaint that other lawyers might not take

seriously enough, bring it

to the Litigious Lawyer Society of Grackleton, where

they'll sue the diapers right off that

person that you have the complaint of.

Of?

That doesn't sound right.

Oh, it says page turnover.

Okay.

Oh, shit.

This summons for me.

Jen deHaan made mockery of our grammar on post-red ad in

episode six of Grack Public Access.

Seriously?

Motherfucker.

We're back on the show.

This is Maureen Fawcett-Cluthor.

Togchester Field is trying to find us a better place and we

got Parker Spoon here.

Parker Spoon.

Hey Parker, buddy.

You're back.

I'm doing a lot better.

I'm sorry.

But first of all, I have to apologize for what happened

before the commercial.

I was, you know, sometimes when I don't have Tog Gear and,

you know, I'm in a place of

lots of hostile enemies around who are trying to get me from

my stealth skills.

You know, you ever see that movie, The Impossible

Missions, where there's a wonderful film.

Oh, is that the Tom Cruise?

Yeah, Tom Cruise.

What a talent.

Oh, definitely a talent.

He's a--

Definitely a talent.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jumping around and doing all these silly things.

It's amazing.

And so, but anyway, yeah, that's what I'm like right now.

They're after me because, you know, they have to do

counterintelligence because I've already

stolen their mince and I'm not going to give them back.

But that--

Oh, you're very stealthy.

I found the pasta salad because Tog was--

Oh, my goodness.

Oh.

Tog was nowhere in sight.

So--

Oh.

But the pasta salad was.

Yes, I have that very big bowl with plastic wrap over top.

Oh, good.

It's good because the bugs really like to get into that.

That's where the flies-- there's a lot of flies in here.

I actually heard that there's infestation in the roof

rafters of this place, so the community

center.

Why?

Yeah, there's an infestation of something.

I don't even know what.

But it causes, you know, the flies get into whatever it is

that is dead up there.

So there's dead things in the ceiling.

And there's a lot of flies around.

So you don't want to eat anything in here that hasn't been

covered, including those

mince that you got.

Like, those aren't covered either.

And by the way, everybody's hands go into that.

That's pretty disgusting.

I've already had, you know, because I've been keeping

count of my little timekeeper here.

You ever see those little things where they keep them,

where people-- you can count how

many people walk into a concert because you don't want too

many people to be there?

I like those.

Yeah, I have one for when I eat food because I like to count

how many bites I eat.

Oh, every single bite will click, huh?

Yeah, oh, absolutely.

Yeah, so right now it's 38.

So I've had 38 of these mince.

Oh, good for you, buddy.

And then you could push the switch to see the switch over

here.

You move the switch over this way.

And you can see, I've so far had 108 bites of pasta salad.

OK.

So we're going to see what happens in my belly when you mix

the two together because this

is what the audience wants.

Oh, they want to know what's happening in your belly.

That's like an established part of this show?

I don't know the name.

This is-- so Todd--

OK.

--and then he drives me here and then talks about stuff and

then I'll say stuff.

Sometimes I'll paint a seascape.

That's how it works.

OK.

Well, that sounds good.

I'm glad you know how it works because I certainly don't

know how it works.

What are we supposed to do after we came back from an ad break?

I know you have the ad breaks because I'm supposed to be here

about the sponsors.

But so what do we do after the ad?

Do you know?

I have a note here.

It says do reviews, but I don't know when that's supposed to

be.

I don't like to say reviews because when you review stuff,

you have to sometimes say things

that aren't nice and that's not good.

We can do reviews.

Why don't you review something you like?

Oh, OK.

Yeah, just Parker reviews.

Let's call this Parker reviews something Parker likes.

I'm going to say this is kind of a thing.

Remember Jen deHaan?

Oh, yeah.

I know Jen's the one that told me to come here and do this

because of the sponsors.

One of my best friends.

And what they'll do is we'll say put in a new bumper here and

so again, do a whole review

of that.

OK.

So they'll put in a bumper of whatever I said.

I said Parker likes to review Parker.

Parker reviews something Parker likes.

I think that's what I said.

OK.

So do bumper of that.

Go ahead, Bestie.

Go on.

Parker reviews something that Parker likes.

Oh, you're Bestie's with Jen?

That's a wonderful person.

Yeah.

I mean, that's a hard sell.

I mean, that's a hard thing to do to be a Bestie of Jen.

No.

Jen doesn't do that stuff lightly.

Jen is a wonderful.

We had a falling out at first now with we had a falling in.

It actually surprises me that Jen would even have a friend.

I mean, Jen doesn't seem like.

I didn't think Jen had people.

No.

Jen is, you know, yeah, once you're used to the

disparagement and the, you know, the

the Bakery.

The Cussing, the incessant Cussing.

Yeah.

And, you know, at some point, because what my mom used to say

is if you have to completely

break somebody down to to their true self, which is in very,

very ugly, horrible, duckling.

Are you talking about yourself right now or Jen?

Because I'm very confused.

You're talking about yourself.

You're talking about yourself.

Parker.

The ugly is.

Parker, I already said I can't lie in front of a cassette

tape and you're you have a face

for TV, buddy.

You do.

You're good.

You're good.

I know.

I've never seen one of those cartoons where all the ducks

are beautiful and then one of

the ducks literally looks like a, you know, a fork or

something.

He's a fork.

Yeah.

You know, you're good.

All right.

So Parker, what's something you like?

Can you do a review on something you like?

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I love this.

I love egg rolls.

You know.

I love the fullness of an egg roll.

So there's, there's, there's, I call it, you know, how the

earth has different parts

whatever, they cut the earth in half

and so they can look at everything.

And they found out that the earth has all these different

layers in it.

And just like the earth is like an egg roll.

So they, uh, the outside of the egg roll is, especially if

you get it fresh, is a wonderful

bubbly oil that shields the crispy layer of egg, egg roll.

And then there is the part that's inside that is the not

crispy part, but it's still a little

doughy.

And that's the part you want to see until the end because

it's delicious.

And then inside is like the magma because if you eat that,

your mouth will turn to fire.

Oh, you do.

Yeah.

That's like, yeah, the center of the earth.

Uh, I, I don't think they cut the whole earth open though.

We're sponsored by the litigious people this week.

So I think we have to be accurate.

I'm trying to think back to the, because they made you

memorize these dates.

So can we say Jen fix that if that's factually incorrect?

Yeah.

I mean, Jen, my bestie, she's gonna, she, she trusts.

That check.

It never happened.

I guess this is Maureen reviews something, uh, bumper.

I'm going to review something I don't like Parker.

I'm going to have to do that, but just to balance because we

need balance in this show.

So I'm going to review the garbage cans in the town square

and the lent posts in the

town square in the center of Gackleton.

You know that they're just too decorative, but you know

what?

I'm going to, I'm going to review something that makes,

that makes me think of this.

You know the clam bacon take that's down there by the town

square.

Wonderful. Yeah.

Yeah. It's great.

It's great. They do that clam bread.

Have you had the clam bread from the clam bacon take? Right.

They used to call me Mr. Clam bread and did they really?

Yeah. Oh yeah.

Yeah. What I used to do and I don't mean to steal your thunder

here.

Oh no, that's fine.

I would, uh, when, when it used to rain, um, you know,

I guess it rains now still, but I never know.

Yeah. Because I, you know, I'm usually inside until talk

takes me here.

Um, I, uh, I used to go out and I used to get the clam, the clam

bread and then like

Fred Astaire, I would decorate the decorative, uh, poles

that you dislike.

I would swing around on them and.

Oh yeah. Oh, you're one of those.

Yeah. I know. I know your type.

Everybody would be clapping and, uh, and, uh, people would

be forming and then I would

take the decorative trash can lids and I would play them

like drums and.

Would you really?

The water would be splashing in the air and people would be

cheering.

It would be, it was a whole, it was what a scene. It was a

wonderful scene.

You know what, Parker?

I think I'm starting to get a very good picture of what kind

of, uh, gentleman you are.

I just threw these, uh, exploratory, uh, exploratory

vignettes I would call them.

I think about you. I'm a, I'm a people person. I have to be

because I'm in insurance, you know,

like when you do small business insurance, you have to be a

people person. I, you know,

and I, I think I've pegged to you. I mean, you know that I know

your mom, Mrs. Boone.

Yeah. We, we don't.

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. That's fine. That's fine Parker.

Anyways, the clam bacon take, they actually, you know

what, they have excess coverage and

that's because they had such a clean claims experience,

uh, when, when I set them up,

actually quite against the garbage can lamp post, uh, how

decorative they are.

So I wanted to end it on a positive note and the positive note

is the clam bacon take go on

Tuesday nights. That's my recommendation. So this is

being Maureen reviews something.

Uh, do you, do you do end bumpers in the show? Parker?

I, I, I have no idea.

Oh, okay. Well, Jen, do an end bumper for this one.

I don't know if you do it, but do one.

Maureen reviews something.

End bumper.

I don't know if that's going to be demanding. Jen might come

after me after this,

but that's okay. I can handle her.

I, I, I'm, I'm not going to take up any more of the show, but I

have a little

breaking news for you.

Oh, good. Okay.

Why, what's up?

I'm going to go up to the attic and, um, because, uh, the

attic is, it's, it's very accessible.

Cause I saw when I was in the library, they had one of those

wonderful drop ladders that you

saw in the movie, um, Home Alone, which is,

Oh yeah. I love those things. So it's a great,

so I'm going to go up there and, um, it's already very

infested. And, uh, so I, I,

if a little more infestation will not, um, I, I'm, I have a

buck in a case I get sick.

So I'm going to go up there.

This is really interesting to me that you're going to go up

there and use it for the reasons

that I think you're going to do, which we aren't going to

say, but even though they are going to

cut this out, they are going to cut this out. Okay. Yeah.

They're going to cut this out. Uh, but also I think I get what

you're dropping and that you're

about to drop a lot. No, no. I like you. No, no. I'm going to

get sick the other way.

Not going to go. I like you Parker. You're my kind of guy.

You're my kind of guy Parker.

You're my kind of guy. You are my kind of guy right now.

Fine talk after this and, uh, okay. Well, I got your back.

I'm going to,

I'm going to say do an ad or something in here while you go and

drop a load.

No, no, I'm not going to do that. Don't you be so hurtful.

I'm not being hurtful. I'm optimistic. I might have to get

mouth sick is what I'm saying.

Mouth sick. Okay. We'll use that terminology, whatever

you want to say.

Mouth sick. Gotcha. Okay. I'm going to. Okay. Bye. Bye.

All right. So we're back. Uh, we're back. We're all back.

So, uh, this is a one oh one point

seven FM. The GRAC. We are at the community center. I feel so

much like a host right now,

Parker, even though I'm just a temporary maybe host while

the sponsor things going on. How

are you feeling there, buddy? You're back. You may or may

not have seen the, uh, well, the,

that looks to, well, might look to the untrained eye to be a

horrible wound on my arm.

Um, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, um, well, it would be also to a

trained eye. It would also be a wound

because it's a wound. I got it. It is a wound. Yeah. I can see

that. Yeah. Um, because I went up

there to get mouth sick, uh, in my pocket and, um, just to be

clear, that does mean that you're

throwing up. That's Pew. No, you're not leading. Jen, you

can, uh, you can put the bleep over that word.

Um, right. So butt sick would be diarrhea. No, no, no. Tug.

What would you call it if it was

both things? Your mouth sick and your butt sick. I looked

for talk during the break. I went all

around. I did a full loop of this place and I know this place a

lot. I actually did the insurance for

their sheds out back. I had to go around all of this place in

addition to the sheds just to

write their policy. I did a full loop. I did not find talk

anywhere. I don't know where they went.

Well, I, there's a little bit of blood involved with my arm.

You see it? It's a, oh, yeah. Okay.

Now it's okay. Okay. Yeah, I see what you're, I see what

you're dealing with. Yeah. There's that,

there's one little flap that'll just, uh, if I, if I kind of

fold it back, if you fold it back in,

like, you know how they say that the coast of South America

goes into the coast of Africa,

because they used to be connected? Oh, it's like a puzzle

piece. Yeah. That's like that.

Kind of like you're dealing with like a puzzle piece. In the

other flap here. They can, yeah,

but also you wash that off with soap and water. Correct. I

mean, that's, that's just right to get

infected. That is that is stingy. I'm not doing that. Oh,

you should do that. You should do that

before you do anything else. I mean, that looks deep enough

that you need to take care of that.

I will talk to you and I'll tell you my little harrowing

story. I'm up there and I finished

getting mouth sick in the bucket. Okay. And that's puking

audience. That means puking. And there

were indeed erasers in there. Many of them. I don't know why

I did not feel them as I was chewing.

And suddenly I see a pair of yellow eyes. And, and I, I see it

approaching, approaching,

and next thing you know, something's locked the hold of my

arm. And, yeah. And so something,

something bit you. So this is a legit bite. Well, then I ran,

I came back here and that was me.

If you heard me screaming down the, if you heard somebody

screaming down the hallway.

Yeah, I did. Earlier. I don't know if you remember, but that

was me who did that. Oh,

that was, I thought that was a bunch of kids just having fun.

That was you screaming after

getting bit. Pretty sure that it was either a vampire or a

werewolf up there. No, buddy,

buddy. That's the raccoons up there. There's a whole

family up there. Got their little beady eyes.

I saw me. They did have, I saw cute paws before I was bit, but

from what I can tell from my,

from my research, many werewolves can also have, because

you know, that werewolves are poppies

sometimes and they could have. Yeah, that's where they

start. That's where they start.

I'm not going to cause any conspiracies here because

that's not this type of show. Yellow

eyes. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I would, I would

probably, I would probably go get a rabies

shot because of the raccoon situation. Oh, I get, I have to

go. My, my, my mom makes me get

one, one, one every six months to be safe. Say hi to your mom

for me. I mean, you still go home

every night, right? Yeah, sometimes for your vitamins.

Well, I, I, I sometimes, if, if Todd

makes me, I go, but I'm trying to knock on us often now. So I,

I, yeah, I, but, well, I'm glad

Todd is taking care of you as well. I know how much your mom is

worried about you being taken care

of. Four or five times a week. I'll go probably. Oh yeah. I

mean, that's normal. That's totally

normal. All right. So what are we supposed to do after we get

back again? We're back again on the

show. We're recording here on the cassette tapes. A lot of

times I run away screaming,

because something horrible happens. But so far as other

than my wound, that has not happened.

No, you're doing really good. Let me just look at the papers

here.

The papers say that we're supposed to do the history of the

carnival. Oh,

what do I know about that? History of Grack. The carnival of

the Grack happens every year in

Grackleton in the town center. The carnival started, I

they'll maybe fix some little fact checker or something

like that. Fact checker. Yep. That's

right. From Rufus. Rufus de Grack was the one that started

the whole Grackleton carnival.

Wanted to put it around funnel cake creation, because

Rufus, of course, was the best funnel

cake baker at the time and did all the creative toppings.

Parker, that's all I know. Have you

heard anything else about the carnival of the Grack? The

history? Yeah, no. The whole time,

the second you said funnel cake, that's the only thing I

thought of. Yeah, I know. As soon as I

said funnel cake, that was all I could, I just was just like,

oh yeah, the funnel cakes, right?

Even the horrible throbbing pain in my arm went away.

Really? Yeah. You hear them scaring up there,

the children of the night in the ceiling? Well, I think I

hear the raccoons up there.

I mean, they're chattering. Now they have a connection to

me and I'll never be able,

you know, what I was just with the tissues are here. Yeah,

move them over.

Pretty soon, I will go through the process where I will.

Yeah. I will leave what appears to be

my mortal coil behind. But then I will awaken in my mortal

coil, but I will no longer be a human.

I will be a werewolf. So if that happens, you may have to do

the unthinkable.

And, you know, I put a silver stake, get the silver stake.

Okay, well, you know what? I

don't think you really need to worry about that, Parker,

because I think rabies is probably going

to be your chief concern here. You just definitely need to

talk to your mom. I have it right here.

She put it in my paper so I can give it to you. Oh, nice. Okay.

That's my history. All right. Well,

should I leave this for Tog? It seems like Tog does a lot of

the caring activities.

Yeah, Tog has a copy as well. Oh, so this is my personal copy

here. Just so you have it too.

I try to give it to as many people as possible. Lisa at the

desk has it as well. Oh, wow. So the

thing on the back is your daily vitamin regimen. Yeah,

that's the vitamins. That's the vitamins.

Oh, we take a lot of the same ones. Wonderful. Yeah, they do.

Oh, nice. Love them. You know,

I should run by my list with your mom. No, no, thank you. I

don't want to do that. Nope, we can.

I mean, she's got a good regimen here for you. Three blue

ones, huh? So moving on. So funnel cakes,

they used to be, this is many years ago, they used to try to,

they used to be in the shape of funnels.

And that's why they call them funnel cakes. Because then

what you could do is you could put

the icing, you could put the funnel in your mouth, and then

you could like put the, you can,

you could drink the, it was the icing from the funnel. See, I

love that. And I would say that my

primary reason to eat the funnel cake is for the icing. You

know, there's this little bakery,

sort of an outer crack. It was like out of a basement of a

house. I insured the bakery,

but not the house. Insurance, Lisa, did the policy for the

house. I did the policy for the

bakery in the basement, which is just a very, we had to work

together. This place had icing shots.

It was like a little two ounce cup that you could buy just of

icing to be eating on its own,

without any other vehicle for the icing. That is my kind of

dessert I discovered.

Yeah, that sounds, that sounds absolutely like heaven to

me.

Does it really? The wonderful, because especially if it's

the cream cheese icing that they put on.

Oh, wow. Yeah, that's the best one. What are you gonna do

with that?

What are you gonna do? Yeah, I know. The cream cheese icing

is absolutely the best icing,

but I haven't, Parker, you know what? I haven't met a lot of

individuals that are with me on the

only eating icing thing without a vehicle. Most people are

like, you know what? I need the

base of a cupcake. I need some kind of, you know, cake. You

don't need any cake at all. You can

just go have the icing. Back when I used to go out for

Halloween, when I used to live with mother,

you know, we didn't have a lot of money growing up, so she

would whip up some cream cheese icing

and then put food dye in it. So it was green. And then you ever

see one of those, I guess they use them

for, they used to plug the holes up in the wall with this

putty knife or something.

Yeah, like a spackle or something like that. Yeah, like a

spangle or whatever. Spackle. Spackle.

Yeah. Spackle. That's a good word. Yeah. Spackle. Yeah. My

face, she would take the icing then and

just put thick lobs all over my face. Then I would go out with

my friends on the trick-or-treat

group, but I would always run off in the woods and hide in the

clearing and just eat the icing off

my face. Oh, I mean, going, you have to, I think, when, if

you're eating icing on its own without a

vehicle, you have to eat it solo. I think that's something

that to be done in private only.

Yeah. Well, I mean, it's like a private activity when you

need some private time. You know what I'm

saying? But all you're doing is eating icing. You're not

doing something else, something fun.

No, thank you. You're just eating icing. No, I don't like

it. I mean, you could do something fun

while you're eating icing. No, no, no, no, no. This show is

not, the show is going wonderfully,

and then it took a horrible, awful turn. So let's turn the

wheel back in the other direction and get

us back onto this wonderful highway of glitter and that

wonderful. Speaking of which, Parker, when

did you move out of your house with your mother? Oh, well,

thank you. You said when I was living with,

with mom when I was with mother. Yeah, I went. When did you

move out? Parker, how old were you?

Well, we're not going to go into details here. But I was, I

was this many years old. Parker is

flashing his hands, both of his hands a few times right now.

It was just for the listening audience.

So just because the audience does not have to know because

he never tell the audience,

the audience right now, I am eternally young. And I'm going

to be eternally young.

Hey, here I'm got the tissues again. I think I understand

why there's issues sitting on the table.

Yeah, I will always be the same age as I am now. Yeah. Oh, my.

You know what? Parker. Oh, hi. Hi,

everybody. Sorry. Hi, Parker. How are you? Oh, you're

crying, Parker. Yeah. But the marina doesn't

know what to do. So no, I don't. I'm sorry. I got the tissues

out. Oh, thank you. Yeah, he

needs sometimes needs those. All right. So did you did you

did you do the show? I know I've

been gone for a while. It was a world of wonder and fancy and

absolute abject horror. Right. Yeah,

there were mints and then there was Lisa and there was

stealth and there was rumors of pepperoni

and there was a thing on your arm. Yeah, well, it's

terrible. Yeah. And then I think you might

know about that. So we'll talk about that later. No, I don't

know. And then there was

werewolves and and vampires and what? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And

talk of talk of conspiracy. That

sounds all sounds very noisy. And unfortunately, I

discovered that we couldn't move to another room.

So this is this is what we have for the rest of the show. We've

done I think we've done most of the

show talk. Did you do the weather? Now we didn't do the

weather. All right. So I'll just Parker,

I'm just going to do the weather. Okay, it's you know, the

heart beats. I feel that but not in my

heart. It's happening with my arm. Yeah, you should you

should probably wash that. But first,

let's let's do the weather. Okay. The weather is brought to

you by the litigious lawyer society of

Gragilton will sue the diaper right off. Yeah, well, even

sue it right off. Yeah, if you get the

weather wrong, we're watching. Well, you should be

listening. You can't watch it. Get ready for the

weather. The weather in Gragilton this evening is going to

be breezy. You just learned all about

the weather. That's the weather brought to you by the

litigious lawyer society of Gragilton.

That diaper, it's coming off whether you like it or not. If

we sue you. And that's if you do

something like get the weather wrong. All right, we're

back. That was the weather. I think I think

we've covered everything in the show. Parker, do you think

we've covered everything in the show?

You've done the show before. Sorry, Maureen. I feel like

I'm on a cloud right now. And it's not a

nice cloud. It's a very angry cloud. So I'm I would like to,

if possible, just lay down for a

little while and close my eyes. And maybe you can put me in

the car or something. I'll do that.

I'm going to carry you out. Parker, listener, Parker is

slumped over in his chair. And we should

probably get him out of there. So this is being a grack

public access. I haven't been here for most

of the show. So I just only hope that everything was covered

and that you enjoyed it. And we'll be

back soon with another episode. So this is being from the

community center. I guess maybe everybody

talked about okra or not. And we're we're done for now. Bye,

everybody.

You've been listening to Grack Public Access, a Stereo

Forest production.

This episode was created, directed, edited and produced

by Jen deHaan, Maureen Faucet-Clooder

and Tog Chesterfield. We're improvised by Jen deHaan.

Parker Spoon was improvised by Adam.

Additional voices and writing by Jen deHaan. You can find

our shows, transcripts and sign up for a

free newsletter to get notified of everything we release

at StereoForest.com.

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